Commiserations to Manchester United, who failed to win the Champions League final this evening. Barcelona were good value for their 2-0 win, passing the English side to death - once they'd got over the 10 minute flurry produced by Sir Alex Ferguson's side at the start of the game. Barcelona were better in virtually every department and even every position on the pitch. Cristiano Ronaldo may "make England look shite." But he was relatively ineffective here. Rooney was good but too isolated. And while Man U did look better for the introduction of Tevez at half-time, the game had got away from them by then. Sadly, they failed to do all of the simple things at which they usually excel. Their pressing of the ball when out of possession was inadequate. And their passing - when in possession - was poor. I'm reading Sir Alex Ferguson's book "Managing My Life" at the moment. Though he's occasionally been a nemesis to the team that I support (Newcastle United), I've got massive respect for him. And I would have liked to have seen him attain a second victory in the competition in two years. Unfortunately, that hasn't happened. I doubt it will have any impact on their ongoing domestic dominance, however.

No lessons learned yet then...

Oh dear! The bandwagon was already starting to roll on "Shearer for Toon Boss," less than 24 hours after the black-and-white-shirted prostitutes lay down and allowed the club to fall out of the Premiership. Don't get me wrong - I've got the utmost respect for Alan Shearer as a man and a footballer. But the idea that he is the new "Toon Messiah*" would be laughable...if it wasn't so disturbing. Granted, the guy only had 8 games in charge. Granted, he was being asked to manage an appalling group of "professionals" in atrocious circumstances. But what in those 8 games - and everything that went on around them - persuades anybody that he's the right man for the new job (e.g. rebuilding towards promotion) that now needs to be done? Mike Lowes' reasoning on Radio 5 Live yesterday seemed to rest on the fact that Shearer has "massive stature" and is held in high esteem in the City. True. But that's not a qualification for a football manager. And I don't think it's enough to bring success.

No doubt the fans' clamour will build. I'm on the look out for the "it's got to be Shearer" vox pops as we speak. And maybe Fat Mike will fold and beg him to stay. If he does, I really hope it works. But I've got not one atom of belief that it will.

* Whenever Toon Messiahs are mentioned, I'm always reminded of the line from The Life of Brian which goes "Of course he's The Messiah! And I should know! I've followed a few!"

Toon Relegated...The Witch Hunt Begins. But Which Witch?

After failing to attain the point they needed to ensure survival given Hull's home defeat to Manchester United, Newcastle United were relegated from the Premiership today. After 16 years of roller-coaster football, the club returns to the second flight of English football. And let's be honest, no one's that surprised. Everything that could have been done to damage the club over the last few years has been. Firstly, the previous Chairman slagged off the fans and arguably the club's greatest ever player in a covert interview with an undercover reporter. Then he sold the club to a man that thinks wearing the shirt, sitting with the fans and fast-draining a pint of lager is appropriate behaviour for a serious businessman. Then said Chairman got into a very public wrangle with the fans' greatest living hero, Kevin Keegan. As if he was ever going to come out of that one with any credibility! And finally, as the fans were turning on him, his mates and the club as a whole, he appointed a throw-back of a manager with acknowledged health problems to attempt to turn round a group of over-blown no-hopers that were more likely to respond to Roy Kinnear (RIP) than a manager most of them had never heard of. The word "inept" somehow feels inadequate.

But as the dust settles on the debacle, and the image of the one tormented Geordie in the Villa Park crowd that really was bubbling is repeated across every screen from Blaydon to Beijing, one difficult to digest fact really does need to be swallowed. For whilst the prostitutes that have donned black and white kit and paraded their ineptitude and personal weakness across the pitches of England's top tier for the last ten months deserve all of the brickbats that will be thrown at them...the fans are as much to blame for this as anyone.

The fans have asked for the impossible, then kicked up an ungovernable stink when what they asked for could not be delivered. They want an owner to buy the club and invest hundreds of millions in players. When challenged, they quote Sir John Hall's approach. Grow up! When Sir John took over, the club was blessed with an enormous amount of latent value. He exploited it, made a fortune (he's an entrepreneur you know) and gave us Ginola, Ferdinand, Asprilla, Albert and Shearer to keep us happy. Now the latent value has been dispersed. The money's gone. But are the fans accepting of the fact that big-time-charlie status is no longer possible on Tyneside without a sustainable business model? No! They don't want to hear that no one in his right mind would invest in that club at the moment, because they've seen what's happened to Fat Mike. Until the fans can grow up and realise that the only way the club can re-attain and then retain Premiership status is through a sustainable off-field business model, NUFC will sadly be condemned to further failure and humiliation.

No doubt there are thousands (or should that be "thoosands") of pissed-up Geordies sitting in bars across the world calling for the summary execution of Ashley and Co as we speak. But how many of them are thinking about their own role in the whole sham? How many of them are considering the fact that if they'd let Ashley apply his model for club sustainability, let Dennis Wise deliver in his role of bringing in new players (or be sacked if he failed) and let Sam Allardyce have a proper go at developing a strong team and squad, they probably wouldn't be drowning their relegation sorrows today? Newcastle fans are always talked about as "the best in football," "highly knowledgeable" and "willing to turn out to watch 11 monkeys if they were playing in black and white shirts." Well, despite the fact that they had the opportunity to do the latter earlier today, the other cliches simply aren't true. I know this because I've been following the team avidly for 35 years. Newcastle fans are largely boorish, lacking in humour (certainly compared to the 1980s, when terrace humour was fantastic at St James's), unrealistic, naive and too partial (try to get one of them to acknowledge the genius of Sir Alex Ferguson). Maybe a spell in the lower reaches will change this. If, at the same time, it rids the club of the fat mockney, then relegation may prove to be a blessing in disguise.

Lookalike of the Week

Just realised that Jermaine Clement from the excellent Flight of the Conchords is actually a great lookalike for Bingo from the Banana Splits. Talk about "making up a mess of fun!"

Joanna Plays Gordon Like A Steinway

Hats off to ballsy Briton Joanna Lumley, who has - with the support of the UK media and public - effectively played the PM and UK government like a grand piano over the last few weeks. Granted, the Gurkhas case is rock-solid (I signed the petition). And Ms Lumley has brought her great reputation and prodigious talents to bear to force a reversal on what has to be the worst political decision since Sir Peter Viggers signed his expenses claim for Duck Island. But I really do hope that this doesn't signal the beginning of a significant shift towards celebrity politics. Granted, many so-called "Celebs" are just too shit-thick to have much to contribute to post-millennial political debate. But there's always the possibility that our debauched politicians might look at the failure of executive dictatorship, consider the possibility of real reform, and fall back on the default position of hauling in a few of the "right"celebrities to try to buy back some credibility in our tired eyes. We'll know soon enough. Signals might include celebrity policy endorsements. Maybe even a few "new brooms," being parachuted into safe seats to give the various PLPs a fresh look ahead of next year's General Election. But I really hope not. There was a debate on Radio 5 earlier in the week about the value of an elected Speaker. The real reason the current nong is leaving is because when he apologised to the House on 18th May, the bumbling ferl...feel...fool didn't have a clue about Parliamentary procedure and had to ask the Clerk. The second last thing we need is an elected Speaker that constantly has to asked wigged officials "...what should I do now?" The last thing we need is the "Celebritisation" of British politics.

Time to Resurrect Earl Grey

Nick Clegg at today's PMQs:

"We now have a once-in-a-generation chance to change politics for good. But we will betray the hopes of people...if all we do is remove a medieval expenses system without fixing everything else. The expenses is just the tip of the iceberg"



Well said Cleggy! Foursquare behind you mate! More or less what I've been saying for years. Now, if you can only get Compo (Chris Huhne), Foggy (Lembit Opik), Nora Batty (Lyn Featherstone) et al in order...

You say it best, when you say nothing at all

Speaker Martin followed up his shumbalac...shimbulic...shambolic performance in the House yesterday with 30 seconds of pure anticlimax this afternoon, when he finally revealed he would be vacating his post next month. No doubt devastated by the c£100k he may lose out on* following his decision to go, he was subdued and immediately closed the door on any further discussions once his statement had been delivered. Not that there can have been many members of the lynch-mob queueing up to eulogise him. I'm sure they're all thinking that this move will cap the gushing well of public discontent. Guess again. I don't doubt that there's plenty more grot yet to bubble to the surface.

But if the "chibbin" of Gorbals Mick has been the most important political story of this - and many other weeks, the PM used today to bleat out what has to be one of the most pointless political pronouncements I've heard in ages. After a meeting with the Labour NEC, Gordon Brown revealed with great gravitas that MPs who had "broken the rules" on expenses would not be allowed to stand as parliamentary candidates for the party in future. Eh? Hasn't the argument all along been that the rules are so crap that no one - apart from the truly pathological thieves - actually needed to break them? If so, what's the point in talking about said tiny pathological minority? Why not say and do something of genuine value instead? For example, why not open up a debate on what might, and might not constitute enough wrongdoing to warrant de-selection? Or why not use the opportunity to recommend that each Constituency Labour Party carry out (with the support and help of the NEC) an investigation into the behaviour of each MP, de-selecting or re-selecting them as appropriate? No, I thought that would be too much like a properly functioning and accountable democratic process. It's quite shocking to see just how blind the Labour Party and PM are to what seems to most of us the clearest political reality of our lives.

* I'll believe it when I see it

There's none so blind...

...as those who will not see. Far from making things any better, Speaker Martin's statement this afternoon (Monday, 18th May, 2009) actually made things worse. Where were the other two monkeys with paws over their ears and mouths respectively? His comment that "We all bear a heavy responsibility for the terrible damage to the reputation of this House." And his resolve to "...do everything we possibly can to regain the trust and confidence of the people" were nothing short of an insult. I've stated before that British Parliamentary democracy has endured a steady and growing assault over the past 30 years. A good Speaker would have turned this tide, defending the rights of the back-benchers in the teeth of the bullying whips, apparatchiks and power-drunk party leaders. A fair Speaker would have raised the issue of Parliamentary process with those able to bring change; the Inghams and Campbells, Wheelers and Drapers, Grandees and Union Barons of this world. But Speaker Martin is neither of these. His time in the venerable office will go down as an unmitigated failure. I'm less bothered about expenses - the excellent work of Heather Brooke and the Telegraph in utilising the Freedom of Information Act having surfaced that one. But what I do care passionately about is his failure to restore - or even slow the erosion of - the sovereignty of MY Parliament. The Parliament my people fought to establish. The Parliament my people fought to protect. The Parliament my people have been effectively excluded from by the money and power-grubbing political class. For shame! He should go and go now. But with a massive payoff to look forward to if he can cling on until the election, there has to be virtually no chance of that.

The lyrics may have been a bit schlock, but a cheeky grin, engaging tune and superb arrangement brought victory to Norway in last night's Eurovision Song Contest. Over a decade on from Tor Endresen's famous "nul points" for the tragic San Francisco, Norway went with the old staples of a good narrative and some folksy presentation. Why those individuals behind the UK entry can't understand what works at the contest I'll never fathom. But as it has done so many times in the past, the formula paid off for fiddle-playing Alexander Rybak.

And for the first time in many years - largely due to the new split voting system - what I thought were probably the best two songs finished in first and second place. Iceland's "Is It True" by Johanna had shades of Alison Krauss. It was a strong song, well performed and with a great arrangement. In many other years it would have won. But quality has never been a guarantee at Eurovision. For example, I thought Laka's "Pokusaj" from last year's competition was nothing short of beautiful. And Spain's "El ChikiChiki" - also from 2008 - was filthy, but hilarious.

Very finally, a word for the Russians that staged the competition. The mid-point show was impressive. But the little video shorts dealing with "...decadent West's misinterpretation of wonderful Russian nation and peoples." Talk about protesting too much! I had a pretty neutral view of Russia. But after last night, I'm convinced they are all vodka-soaked, turnip-munching beggars, permanently living in sub-arctic weather conditions under the constant threat of KGB surveillance and arrest. If possession of Western music wasn't clearly a capital offence in Russia, someone should play them Ketty Lester's magical "Some things are better left unsaid."

Has the mask started to slip for St Barack?

Does President Obama's decision to restore military tribunals at Guantanamo Bay represent a climb-down from a key campaining pledge. Or is it simply a sensible dose of pragmatism in the ongoing process of unpicking the disaster of the George Bush foreign policy years? He's through his first hundred days, so we can expect some normalisation. But I really do hope this isn't the same old smashing of public expectations. Granted, those expectations were massively over-inflated. And obviously St Barack was bound to have a moment like this at some stage. But those words from his innauguration speech genuinely touched me. Here they are again:

“...the true strength of our nation comes not from our the might of our arms or the scale of our wealth, but from the enduring power of our ideals: democracy, liberty, opportunity, and unyielding hope”.

Remember the "ethical foreign policy" touted by Tony Blair after the 1997 election - which eventually took the country into an illegal war? Trust in our politics is so damaged, I really hope this is not the case.

My Hero of the Week

I've long been an admirer of Mr Peter Hitchens, the principled Mail on Sunday print journalist. Whilst I haven't always agreed with Mr Hitchen's views, I've always admired the intelligent and well-argued manner in which he has presented them. He has spent significant time and effort over the years in his attempts to expose the tawdry political process that we have allowed to develop over the last few decades. And he's occasionally come across as a little fanatical in his analysis on TV. I can understand that though. Whilst the establishment has sleep-walked the media and the nation into an illegal war, unprecedented financial crisis and the unbridled dictatorship of the executive, Mr Hitchens has been almost a lone voice in revealing the truth. No wonder he got a bit wound up on TV! But what really impressed me was his appearance on last night's "This Week" show, with the excellent Andrew Neil. When I saw Mr Hitchens billed to appear, I expected apoplexy. But he was calm, deeply considered, and yet again, hit several key nails squarely on the head. Maybe, just as he foresaw the current political mess emerging over so many years, he's also aware of how painful and protracted the restorative treatment may have to be before normal politics can be resumed. And maybe the horrendous spectre of BNP MEPs tempered his approach? I'd like to think so. As we head towards September 1st, 2009 - the 70th anniversary of the commencement of the most glorious chapter in this nation's history, it will be a matter of national disgrace, if the sleaze and greed of our current crop of "honourable members" opens the door to the election of fascists and bigots as representatives of our great, beautiful and wonderful country.

Brown – “We come into public service to do the right thing by the people who elect us to represent them.”

Well this is NOT my experience, Prime Minister. And given the recent happenings, I’m at a loss to understand how you can seriously suggest that it’s yours! Speaking in front of a carefully selected audience at the launch of Labour’s European election campaign, the Prime Minister showed how out of touch he really is with the view of the country at large. A few political “Fluffers” asked all of the right questions about Surestart, EU support for their particular businesses etc. But it couldn’t hide the fact that the Elephant wasn’t only in the room, it was lumbering around the dais, trumpeting like a mad thing. But no one – from Big Gordy to the door staff – was acknowledging that it was there. The energy they must be expending on tactically ignoring it all! Good job this didn't all happen in the middle of a financial crisis or anything.

Just when you thought it couldn't get any worse...

From Telegraph.co.uk: "For at least 21 months he had claimed £800 in mortgage interest for his constituency home, yet there was no mortgage on the property. In total, he had wrongly claimed more than £16,000."

How can you forget that the mortgage you're still claiming the interest on was paid off almost 2 years ago? How can this "man" be considered fit for public office? The Labour Party has already indicated to the BBC's Nick Robinson that formal "disciplinary action" against Morley is unlikely. And they've fallen back on the old chestnut of the "...fate of all the MPs caught up in expenses scandal ultimately being in the hands of their local constituency parties who could de-select them before the next general election." But this is simply not good enough. For the first time in hundreds of years, we've got a totally debauched Parliamentary democracy. Mr Speaker is an embarrassment, bullying rather than protecting back-bench MPs. And the "honourable" members themselves are mired in corruptions, large and small. We've let them away with murder. But I think its still pretty unlikely that the British people will grow a set and demand some constitutional change anytime soon. Let's either have a REAL Parliamentary democracy - where members are properly bound by Churchill's Duties of an MP. Or let's be honest about the elective dictatorship that we've allowed to develop, with tiny groups of men in suits running the country from Islington kitchen tables. But at least let's have a proper opportunity of choosing the men in the suits

Well done to Radio 5 Live and Victoria Derbyshire, for their mid-morning discussion show today (13th May, 2009). It's a station I listen to a lot. Those irritating echoey-voiced trailers (five live, FIVE LIVE, fi-fi-fi-five Li-li-li-ve) might be a pain. But there's periodically the odd gem of a broadcast. Today was such a day - with Lembit Opik desperately trying to resist, muddy and rise above the tidal wave of righteousness being thrown at him by Telegraph Assistant Editor Andrew Pierce. Derbyshire had little to do but referee. But her gentle yet forensic examination of Opik's attempt to screw a £2,500 telly out of the taxpayer on expenses was impressive. I thought the Cheeky Boy he was going to start crying at one stage. His voice sounded close to breaking throughout. Maybe too much singing along with Gabriela with his iPod on full volume? Anyway, well done Derbyshire and Pierce. And well done to the BBC for facilitating. Public service broadcasting at its best, to use a popular modern cliche

Fool's Errand...or Cynical Delaying Tactic?

From BBC News Website: “All MPs' receipts for expenses claimed over four years must be independently scrutinised, Gordon Brown has said.”

Wow! Just when we were getting bored with the stories of the widespread integrity-bypass surgery that has been carried out on our British politicians over recent decades, our glorious leaders go and prove that they are stupid as well. The only good that I can see coming of wading through the paperwork will be that it will get the whole sorry mess off the front pages...for a while. Sure, it'll be a good short-term fix for the Westminster troughers. But it can only end in more tears. Either the "independent" examination will turn up yet more embarrasing facts about dodgy claims; and let's face it, that has to be pretty likely, since the media have had only a short time to go through all the data - there's bound to be the odd turd yet to float to the surface. Or alternatively, the public will see this cynical delaying tactic for what it is. I suppose its a win-win from Big Gordy's perspective though. By the time the turds start bobbing, Labour will be out of government and Catchphrase Cameron will be bringing us "new" "change" through his "effective ethical and environmental policy agenda," delivering "green jobs in a green economy for a better future." And all because "we voted for change we can believe in." Eeeeeuuuuuchhhhhh!!!!!

"Ethical" is the new "New"

Remember the heady days of 1996? An urbane and beautifully groomed Tony Blair - a sort of pre millenial white Obama - was doing the rounds, reasuring us like crazy that Labour could be trusted. It was a golden pre-Prescott Punch era; a time when the word "Cherie" was most closely associated with Stevie Wonder; a time when most of us naively thought that only Tories could be sleazy. And it was a time when "New" meant "Better," "Brighter," "Fairer,"... and so much more. Look at us now. Sickened by the let-down, living in a post-democratic world, where we alternate between wishing that the media would shut up altogether and wishing that they'd say or do something genuinely worthwhile. No, what we really need to cheer us all up is a new, totally vacuous word or phrase that means nothing, but that everyone can get behind. President Obama had the wonderfully nonsensical "Change we can believe in," which the Tories have disappointingly cribbed into "Vote for Change" (surely "Change we can vote for" would have been more in-keeping and therefore funnier?) But my favourite empty tautology of the moment has to be the concept of "Ethical." Ethical can mean anything - and usually means nothing. I love the idea of middle aged nerdo-hippies criticising George W Bush's preposterous idea of "a war on terror" as being an empty piece of rhetoric...then nipping down the shops to buy some "ethical" coffee. By what measure is one product more "ethical" than another? And how can units of ethicalness be compared? For example, how many tonnes of carbon emissions equate to the un-ethicalness quotient of asking a South American child to dig one tonne of coal for us to burn in our power stations? Of course it's all utter tosh. The most cursory examination reveals that. But in the post democratic society that we have allowed to develop, questions like these really should be asked. While we've still got the chance.

What she said

"I have asked the committee to look at the question of seeing whether they can make sure there are clear rules about the nomination of main and second homes"

What she meant

"Dont forget me! Don't forget me! I think Flipping is terrible! Shit! Outmanoevered by Catchphrase Cameron! And I can't even claim a second home allowance because I'm MP for Peckham. How the hell am I supposed to keep my Labour leadership campaign on the road if I'm going to have to reorganise MPs expenses as Leader of the House over the next 12 months? Wait a minute...Gordon!...Gordon!"

More Bluster from Catchphrase Cameron

From the Sky News Website "David Cameron told Sky News this morning he was "appalled" by the revelations and would take disciplinary action where necessary."

Eh? But haven't we been drip-fed the idea that they've all acted (politician places left hand on left breast, lowering eyes and voice whilst saying...) "entirely within the existing rules " since this whole fiasco broke? How can you take disciplinary action against people who have obeyed the rules? Of course, you can't in a properly functioning and fair system. But the catchphrase-loving, bandwagon-jumping poster boy of the right (shame about those rosy cheeks) doesn't care about that. He's so desperate for power, he'll say anything he thinks the British public and media want to hear. Sorry, we're just not that easilly appeased. Tell us you'll guarantee to restore Parliamentary sovereignty - no matter how much of your (as yet, totally unclear) legisltative programme it may jeopardise and I may change my mind. But don't treat me like a child, patronising me with criticism of some of your closest friends and supporters. People aren't stupid. Realistically he's probably just added yet more Euro-votes the the BNP tally. Infuriating.

Cut 'Em Some Slack!

Listen. Isn't it about time we cut these MPs a little bit of slack? Sure, they've been relentlessly dipping into the taxpayers’ pockets for decades. But I’m afraid this is the Britain WE have built. This is the legacy of the hero generation; the group of people that accepted extreme threat and privation through the best part of six years of war to preserve our freedom. Unfortunately, we have sat back for the last 30 years and enabled Thatcher, Blair and Brown to unpick hundreds of years of growing freedom. We allowed Thatcher to destroy concepts of collective responsibility and “first among equals,” tolerating her shift to cabinet committees as a method of political management. Then we accepted Blair’s spin-based methodology of shipping in ex-Fleet Street hacks to bully existing journalists into submission from the powerbase of his kitchen cabinet. It should therefore be unsurprising that our current herd of lobby-fodder MPs are only in it for the perks. It’s not like the average back bencher has any power anymore. 15 years ago, the average local authority middle-manager would be energised into action by a letter from the local MP. Now he/she just rolls his/her eyes and shrugs his/her shoulders. And what can said MP do? Very little. Until we find some way to get back to vesting independent power in the hands of MPs nothing will change. So let them brass-face the embarrassment of their tennis court leaks, moat cleaning and multiple property flips. But sooner or later please let’s get to the heart of the real issue. I want my democracy back!