A lamentable legacy - assuming he ever goes

With the launch of the new away kit from NUFC we can see that Fat Mike once again really did a number on the club. OK, many of last season's squad did have yellow stripes running down their backs. But to make it this clear to all and sundry! Shame, fat mockney man, shame!

CAUGHT ON CAMERA - OBAMA WAN KENOBI!!!!

Finally, proof positive that President Barak Obama is non other than Jedi Knight Obama Wan Kenobi. In a recent interview with CNBC, the President apparently swatted a fly that had been buzzing around him on camera. But if you slow the video right down and magnify the bottom right hand corner of the frame 20 times, you can actually see that he uses Jedi Mind Control techniques to force the fly to commit suicide. He then fakes the swatting to hide his unearthly powers and true identity. Is this the coolest man on the planet? Obviously given that he's actually from a galaxy far, far away.

We're backing Widdy!

Not that I've got a vote...but I'm backing Ann Widdecombe for Speaker. Not that I've got anything against the other candidates. Alan Beith, for example, represents me and is a brilliant constituency MP - a real-dealer. But Widdy's point about connecting with the public is what won old Yella over. The politically half-dead zombies that make up most of the electorate of this great nation need some touchstone which will help them reconnect with their Democracy. And Widdy - uniquely among the candidates - could be that touchstone. I also like the fact that she's standing down at the next election. She's enough of a maverick to have wielded the appropriate axes in any event. But given that this is an opportunity (a) for her to create a better political legacy than that "something of the night" shite and (b) for her to kick some fat Parliamentary butt without fear of reprisal, I think she's the perfect candidate.

Malik back from purdah

Shahid Malik returned to front-line politics today after being cleared following allegations that he'd broken the ministerial code over his housing arrangements. The story broke at the top of the expenses avalanche, and now looks like small beer after duckhousegate, moatgate, secondhousegate and non-existenthousegate. But old Yella doesn't really care that much whether he did get a cut-price deal from his pal or not. What does matter is his first pronouncement in his new role as Communities Minister. He hit the nail squarely on the head when asked about the recent BNP electoral success. For as we all know, the reason that those racists dead-heads actually have two MEPs is (a) because the political elite have failed this country utterly and (b) millions of lazy people who had a golden opportunity to keep the scumbags out of power sat on their hands when they should have been placing a cross in a box. If you didn't vote, your part of the problem. So feel some shame. Obviously Mr Malik was quick to sweep point (a) under the carpet. Not many politicians are much good at the old self-examination. But at least he said it. And who knows - with all the right noises coming from Catchphrase, Boy George and Ian and Duncan Smith (with whom I'm actually developing some empathy - must be old age) things may actually change. Won't be for a good while yet though.

From the sublime to the deeply depressing

On Saturday 6th June 2009, we celebrated the 65th anniversary of one of the most honourable and proud days in our nation's history. Less than 24 hours later, the European Election vote count revealed that we will soon be sending two fascists to represent our country in the European Parliament. The political elite of this country - and the large numbers of voters who were too lazy to get off their backsides and prevent this calamity - should feel shame. The BNP lurch from generating a deep sense of anger in me (when they try to justify race hate) to making me laugh out loud (when I "study" their economic policy - which wouldn't pass a GCSE-level close examination). But to have them representing any of us in any way, shape or form in Europe disgusts me. The collapse of Labour's vote is a personal tragedy for Brown, Moribund, Caroline Flaunt etc. But the election of two BNP MEPs is bad for the whole of Britain. Too many people voted for hate and fear. Too many people didn't vote at all. And too many politicians have failed to show leadership, and failed to publicly reinforce what Britishness really means. And this is the result. A bad day.

Chat exits Sac

Ha ha! The cat is finally out of the bag! It was that little french tart Nicolas Psykozy himself that snubbed HM The Queen over tomorrow's D-Day commemorations! What a vane little prick he is! He even got his publicity people to airbrush out his love handles when he went canoeing without a shirt on. God, he's a pygmy in every sense of the word. How dare he try to hog the love-in with St Barack of States! Doesn't he know Her Maj actually served in a uniformed service during the war? Probably not. He looks like he comes from a long line of Vichyssoise-type collaborators. The ones that were queueing up to kick a hole in the Maginot line in 1940 to welcome the Nazis in. We brought our country to its knees so that dicks like him and De Gaulle could ponce-on pretending France actually played a worthwhile role in the liberation. All they did was keep out of the way of the British, Canadian and US lions as they roared their way through their tin-pot country. Now he goes on like this! It all boils down to embarrassment at the fact that we had to bail them out of the shit that THEY had got THEMSELVES into. Arseholes! Lions bailing out lambs.

Another one bites the dust

A second minister has resigned from the cabinet this evening. The "sideburned shmoozer" James Purnell - best known for his moon-faced smirk and previous photo fakery - has finally decided to turn it in. But what a way to go! Unlike the Ginger Wheelie Bin, Hazel Blears, he's decided to go down shouting. Writing in a letter specially sent out to all of the papers, he's made it clear that he wants Gordon Brown to go! Blinking flip! At this rate, we'll have no cabinet left by next week, and we'll be staring down the barrel of a general election! Handy for all of the thieves yet to be turned over by the Telegraph. They can shuffle off the political stage reputation intact, and into a wealthy post-Parliament career. Some guys have all the luck! Anyway, with Purnell going, the government's lucky gonk quota has been significantly reduced. What price a Margaret Hodge comeback?